Are you, like, on the list?

By Brenda McDonald
High School Socialite

As head of the cheerleading squad for the last year, I know that lists can be, like, no fun. I mean, when you don’t see your name on the final cheerleading roster, it’s probably like the end of the world. Oh my god, I would cry for weeks if I wasn’t on that list! I’m so lucky. Not everybody has cheerleading.

Like, this big list that George Mitchell is coming out with is going to be really sad. Lots of dreamy baseball players are going to be named as steroids users. Oh my god, have you seen The Crucible? It’s really scary, about like, witches in Salem, Oregon. We watched it in Social Studies class. The Puritans were such freaks – they didn’t even believe in make-up. Well, this is a lot like that, where a lot of players are going to be accused of being kinda witches and stuff. Except with bigger muscles.

I’ve totally heard through the grapevine that Morgan Ensberg is going to be on the list. Seriously, if your name is Morgan and you’re a dude, I can see why you’d want to take drugs. There’s actually a guy in my gym class named Tracy. That’s so wretched. So anyway, Morgan is totally going to make the cut.

I’m also hearing a lot about Sammy Sosa. I don’t know a whole lot about him, except that he’s foreign and sometimes forgets how to speak English. There is a girl named Bonita Ramirez in my Spanish class from Mexico, and she can totally speak Spanish better than anyone else in the class. It’s so not fair! That would be like me taking a cheerleading class – you can’t learn what you’re already good at. She tried out for cheerleading, but was definitely not invited to the squad. People who speak Spanish are like, not trustworthy. I’d be so afraid that she could say mean things to me in Spanish and I would like not even know what she was saying! So Sammy Sosa probably has a secret.

Tommy Williams, who is kind of hot in a “get back to me in five years” sort of way, and also really likes baseball, was saying that Mark McGwire would so be on the list. That sucks because I think Mark is soooooo hot. He’s like the older man that you just want to sweep you up in his arms and take you on an airplane to like, Bermuda or something, while his wife thinks he’s on a business trip. If he was on the list, I would be so disappointed! But then, I would move on.

Anticipation is the worst part. I love looking at prospective cheerleaders in the hallway before lunch, chatting and wondering if they would make the cut or not. Oh my god it’s so great KNOWING when other people don’t! George Mitchell is probably DYING with excitement right now. Soon enough, the world will come crashing down for a lot of people. It’s so exciting.