Flotsam Frank's fantasy fixes

Frank Randall, IT guy

With the increasing popularity of fantasy sports, Flotsam has decided to have Frank Randall, IT Guy, to write an occasional column that addresses reader questions relating to current issues in the fantasy sporting world. Frank is an avid fantasy sports player, having won multiple championships in all three major sports in the last five years, including a four-year run as winner of the Birmingham Internet Technicians Champions Haven (BITCH) baseball league. As always, Frank is here to help you.

I'm the owner of Johan Santana in two fantasy leagues, and he's just not producing right now. Is this the year that the league finally catches up to him, or should I be patient and stay with him? He's been a slow starter in the past, and I don't want to give up on him too early. But I also don't want to carry dead weight through the season. Help me, Frank.
-Tim Granger, Knollwood, Iowa

Tough call. This might be the year the league catches up to him, but maybe not. You may want to be patient with him since he's started slow in the league before, but maybe not. But you also don't want to carry dead weight during the season. Problem solved.

Chris Shelton has been great so far this year. He's got good minor league numbers, so it's not totally unexpected, but it seems unlikely that he's going to keep up the current pace. Should I try to sell high with him? Or do I hang on and just let him be a solid producer for me this year? Thanks Frank, love your work.
-Jason Hoffman, Billings, Montana

Shelton ripping ball cover gone currently Detroit loves work smart ethic hounding grass field dirty uniforms haha! Funny face no doubts in the hole about the first baseman has his strengths pitchers get a book may punch in the nose numbers dip force lower than rectify baby never know but don't want to see chili dip flaming so hot in the start of the year. Esophagus. Will keep going most internal likelihood just don't know expect the rates of things in selection won't stay so troposphere.

Hey Frank, I was just offered a trade in my league. I would get Jake Peavy and Manny Ramirez, and I would give up Curt Schilling, Grady Sizemore, Johnny Gomes and JJ Putz. Is it worth the loss in depth to acquire those two top-level players? It's a tough call for me, and any help would be appreciated!
-William Stern, Bakersfield, California

Laughs and giggles Putz. Solo tron what in the world with the scanner connectivity depth issue how is your bench before deciding to replace the spots you'd flagellate trade with boom shakala. Manny being Manny going to get going going gone USB port. Peavy genuine stud grilled salmon spawning Curt Schilling assbag filtered water clean up your desk would you? Just power down how are you in the steals department unassociated pathway muffins and try again before trading but overall depends on need and such

Do you have any sleeper pitcher candidates for my NL-only league? My hitting is great, but I could use a little help on some guys to target either on the wire or in trades. My league's pitching categories are wins, ERA, K/IP, WHIP and saves.
-Jerry Evans, Perth, Australia

Cleaning the drive space allowing league's deepness affects much of playing lots yellow birds rips. Many starters some slow server access denied do not ever touch that again Harang, Bannister, Davies, Williams but not a lot whipped in some sort of butter under the keyboard got to get many ratios low or high lens filter scam blotter.

Flotsam Baseball Preview

Flotsam asked six of its columnists to weigh in on which team they thought would win the World Series. Here are the panel's responses:


By Harvey McGuffin
I remember when we didn't have these stupid debates. Sure, spring brought out hope for each baseball team, just as it brought chirping birds to my rooftop (and subsequent shotgun) and Sally Davis across the street into her yard wearing a tantalizing sundress, through which an old man was blessed with a good view as she bent over, tending to her petunias.

But there was no discussion about who would win it all in Major League Baseball. Because the answer was obvious: the New York Yankees. At some point in the last few years, changes came about. The champions of the world were dressed in such ugly colors as that green and maroon or whatever the Diamondbacks are wearing, disgusting teal, Homeless-Chicago Black and White, and even, inexplicably, red. The Yankees will ascend to the top again to restore order to this madness. How can you argue with such hitting greats as Gary Sheffield, Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Scott Brosius, Paul O'Neill, Bucky Dent and Thurman Munson? What a lineup!

It's time for my damn nap.


Bandwagon Burt
Baseball is back and this is probably going to be the best season ever!! There are like 25 teams that might win the World Series this year, so I am SO pumped up for the start of the season. I can't get enough of baseball, and this whole winter has been PAINFUL CITY. I almost slit my wrists once becasue I couldn't wait any longer!! Was that in poor taste!!!?

In the American League, how can you not like the YANKEES? George Steinbrenner is crazy as a LOON, man, and he's going to do anything to win the pennant. They haven't won the World Series in FOREVER. He'd even kill Derek Jeter if he didn't bring the ring ... THAT RHYMED. He's like the guy that built the Taj Mahal ... they're going to cut of Derek Jeter's hands when he leaves so he can never play for another team again. George Steinbrenner is the MAN. I also like Boston -- who doesn't -- because they have that AMERICAN ICON Curt Schilling back at full strength and Big Paaaaapi hitting homeruns and Manny being Manny and Josh Beckett dealing and also, Mike Timlin. The ChiSox (holla Southsiders!) could easily repeat, becasue they have a lot of heart and stolen bases from Scott Podsednik, playing center field for my FANTASY TEAM! Mark Buehrle, Freddy Garcia, Jon Garland and Javier Vazquez is like the best staff in baseball, right behind a few others. How can you not love CLEVELAND? All those young guys, and they're like this year's Bad News Bears starring Victor, Jhonny (watch where you're sticking that h, haha!) and Travis. I also like the Angels, Twins, A's, Mariners, Tigers and Rangers. And watch out for the Orioles and Devil Rays and Blue Jays, who made all those moves in the offseason! AJ and BJ and O-Bay and Benji and can you say pennant?

In the National League, everything begins and ends with the Cardinals and the mastermind genius Tony LaRussa and the SON OF GOD Albert Pujols, who's going to have his breakout season this year. Atlanta is always good but with no Leo Mazzone, they're not going to rock (OH MY GOD, that's such a good joke) as much as they do before, but they're still going to rock a lot. Maybe more than they did before. The Mets (David Wright, my FANTASY STUD THIRD BASEMAN) is the team to watch because they rebuilt because Omar Minaya is crazy and the GIants, Phillies and Cubs always know what's up. Keep an eye peeled for the Brewers, Diamondbacks, Dodgers, Pirates, Nationals and Padres my friends! They all play in a weak division and might surprise some people. And even with a new team, I have a good, good feeling about the MARLINS. Joe Girardy is my boy. And Colorado has potential too, anything can happen in the ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH. Haha!


Marv Blackstone
Well, I wanted to be original and pick someone that Burt didn’t, but that’s now impossible. What about the Iowa fucking Cubs, you insipid dumbass? I'd fire him if he wasn't my coke dealer.

I’m still going to be obscure. I’m picking the Mets. Omar Minaya has been throwing money around lately like me in Reno circa 1972, and he’s assembled some quality talent. That was redundant. Asshole.

The Metropolitans finally have a bullpen, they have yet another big bopper with Carlos Delgado and David Wright is the Lord Christ Almighty One, and will lead the Mets (along with Jose Reyes, his cabana boy) to the promised land.

During the time I spent at the New York Post, before being fired for watering thirsty office plants with my own urine, I developed an affection for the team from Queens. I also developed an affection for a prostitute named Darlene. Both remain with me to this day ... at least in their own way. So go, Mets.


Curtis Woodward
Who’s going to win the World Games? Well, I think it’s naturally going to be the Boston Red Sox. The curse is over, you saucy minks! They’ll be hoisting the trophy in October and dousing each other in bubbly, fruity champagne and scampering about half-naked in the locker room.

Oh God.

Breathe Curtis, breathe. But you can’t blame me if I get a little excited at the thought of Josh Beckett, Keith Foulke, Kevin Youkilis and Coco Crisp snapping each other with wet towels and spraying white stuff all over each other. And Wily Mo Pena! Wily Mo wants to go boom boom boom in Wily Mo’s zoom room. Sizzle!


Dakota Brezinski
Daddy says there is only one team that will win it all next year, and that is the Bob Brezinski Bomb-Diggitys. They are not playing in the National League or American League, but they are playing in the Franklin Industries Office League, and Daddy says they will be unstoppable. Daddy says Peter Gammons likes the team's pitching staff, and some people on ESPN.com would be in love with the infield. The people Daddy showed me on the web site looked like Milhouse from The Simpsons.

Daddy said the general manager is hell-bent on world destruction and will stop at nothing to make a good trade to help his team. He said he will intimidate his opponents, carefully look at all matchups and possibly surpise some people with his sleepys. I think everyone playing baseball is probably sleepy, because baseball is boring. But this general manager sounds scary, so I'm pretty sure he's going to win baseball this year.


Frank Randall, IT guy
Who wins baseball? Must say be the Cardinals arches from Central Louis in the leaves falling fall classic. Classic windows, ignore that prompt, all right? Don’t click in that box, click that one. No! Win the ring, critical shutdown of operating system, infield defense suffers tantalizing remonstrance of self pine tar love.

Edmonds, Pujols, healthy Rolen, downturn in productivity, give a call upstairs, would you? I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying. ‘A’ as in ‘alpha.’ What do you mean by that? Starting pitching important to the linkup key password initializes tittering hey batter batter swing codec.

Like I said, baseball Cardinals, sampling with mixes of duplicate Carpenter sit down over from adjust setting to compensate for mug wafer moon resolution nada supper swerve. Jabba jabba jabba minion olfactory sensation error shortstop midget no matter sink clog in timing device for LaRussa.

I am here to help you

By Frank Randall
IT guy

Hello. My name is Frank Randall. I work in the IT department. That stands for information technology. Our job is to communicate technology information to you as clearly as possible. I heard you like sports. Do you like sports?

I want to talk about sports today. Though. The Super Bowl is upcoming. What? I’m not sure I get that. Detroit, LAN connection for local area network. Can you repeat what you just said? Matt Hasselback plays quarterback, bitmap image systems. Home for the running back, drives the Bus along the field, eats a lot, what did you just do?

I’m not sure I follow what you’re saying. City smells like burning rubber, can’t quite see why the game is there. Rains a lot in Seattle. Yeah. True. But that’s not my department. I’ll have to call Ted.

Yeah, Ted doesn’t know. League MVP playing in the game. Not sure if that was a good choice. Is that still buffering? I don’t know why you did that. Why’d you do that? Why? What?

Can you hear me? Going to be lots of blitzes. I’m sorry, that’s not my area. I haven’t heard anything about that. Let me go downstairs and check are you excited to watch the commercials this year modem?

Transfer files often complete Roethlisberger passes in the flat buzzword hello this is Frank does not compute I apologize.

Did that work? No? I don’t know what to tell you the. Did you break it? Balding quarterback, right? I have no idea why this isn’t working. Let me call Marty hear the Nickelback halftime show transporter Web development.

Fiddling apple bottom crustacean jiggle woo in middle backup floppy server connection mandates authorization requiring struggling linebacker tackle turf humdinger.

Indeed. Coach angry all the time without handheld enter the password right there. There. There. D as in ‘dog.’ Not fixed still, fragment, I’ll have to call Steve when he gets back in town in three weeks, access privileges denied fly swatter mashup.

Everything better? Lamp state of the endzone celebration linkup hotkey.

Something not working still not following the jingly cutbacks between the hash marks. No you don't want to do that. Never do that. Because I said so. If time out occurs, end transmission for access field in dock schwerve lats pulldown swelling ankle jpeg.

Good, nice. Hope you enjoy the Super Bowl, everyone. Don’t forget the chips and salsa resolution file path class D Ford Field buzzer USB port keyword.