NFL free agency primer

By Murphy Kramer
Punters win championships

Coach Murphy Kramer is the head football coach at Plano Horizons High School in Plano, Ohio. His Fighting Broncos have a 16-68 mark in his nine seasons at the helm, including a 1-8 mark last season.

I love NFL free agency. I love the rumors. I love the uncertainty of not knowing where a key player is going to end up. I love agile black men and their powerful hamstrings.

Every year, I grab myself a pad of paper and a writing instrument and evaluate the top talent that is readily available. I then send it off to each NFL team in an unmarked, white envelope. Despite this yearly ritual, I have never been compensated for my efforts, despite the time I told the Patriots to sign Adalius Thomas and they did, and he was awesome, just like I said he would be. Where's my cut of the check, Bill?

Anyway, here is a list of this year's best of the best, my notes included:

Alan Faneca, G

Large man. Shaggy hair and beard. Blocks defensive lineman. Does it pretty well. Once ate a rabid goose while it was alive just to teach a classroom full of first-grade children about the dangers of not properly cooking your meat. Spent four days in a hospital after the incident. Returned to the field two days later to block for Willie Parker's 213-yard game against the Saints. Slightly largely-than-normal testicles.

Prediction: St. Louis Rams

Bernard Berrian, WR

Best NFL player named "Bernard." Runs really fast, similar to many NFL wide receivers. Known for being a snazzy dresser, possibly an indication of homosexual behavior. Probably OK for a wide receiver. Reportedly would "kill someone" just to play with a real NFL quarterback, since he never has.

Prediction: Miami Dolphins

Flozell Adams, OT

Big human being. "Flozell" is not his real name; it is short for "Flozelliam." Pregame ritual included stuffing Tony Romo in a locker and then eating six ham and cheese sandwiches. Quick feet should allow him to remain effective for several more seasons before he balloons to 430 pounds and his feet are crushed under the weight of his own body.

Prediction: After I wrote this, I found out that he re-signed with the Cowboys. I predict: Cowboys.

Lance Briggs, LB

Overrated little bitch who only looks good because he plays next to Brian Urlacher. He'll fade into mediocrity and probably die from syphillis within three years. Also, whiny.

Prediction: Washington Redskins

Asante Samuel, CB

People pay lots of money for cornerbacks, and Samuel will get lots of money. Has been described by many as "infectious" in the locker room, which, to me, is not a positive thing. That's two STD jokes in a row, if you're keeping track.

Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles

Michael Turner, RB

Fantasy football has doubled Turner's value, simply because everyone knows him as LaDanian Tomlinson's handcuff. Without this, he would simply be another backup running back. Will find it difficult to get running room away from San Diego's offensive line. He's a big back, which means he seeks out contact and will always be injury-prone. Buyer beware, sayeth Murph the soothsayer.

Prediction: Detroit Lions