Lay off Bill Belichick

Tom Looker
Neighborhood Watchman

Look, folks. I know all of American is up in arms about Bill Belichick and his spying habits. It seems that he has been spying on opponents since 2000, when he took over as the Patriots' head coach. This is according to Senator Arlen Spector, who apparently doesn't have anything better to do with his time.

And you know what I say? I say good for Bill Belichick.

Yeah, I see you, sitting there at your computer, indignation creeping across your face. I see your brow furrowing as you read that Belichick said he didn't know that he was doing anything illegal. I see the way your hand gently holds your mouse, deftly sliding it across the surface of your desk. I spy your left hand resting on your inner thigh.

And I sit here to say that Bill Belichick doesn't need to make excuses for a gosh darn thing. Those of us who spy, we are forced to deal with an unfairly nefarious reputation. We aren't evil. We just like to see the world around us. A world that vibrates with life and color, that breathes heavily with magic, and a world that contains so very many people who don't close their blinds all the way each morning when they step out of the shower.

It's a beautiful place, this world in which we live.

I admire Bill for being so open about what he does. And I think he was being honest when he told Roger Goodell that he was doing nothing illegal. It's the same way I feel when the cops come pounding on my door at 3 a.m., telling me that I'm not allowed to let my gaze drift across the street to the apartment where those three sorority girls live. What else am I supposed to do at that time of the night? Watch Matthew Lesko infomercials? The police order me to stop, and they even try to destroy my tapes that I've made. But I tell them I've done nothing wrong, and I truly believe that.

Life is short, and there is only so much time to soak up all of the allure that this world possesses. That's my philosophy, and I try to live each day and each dark, miraculous night by it.

So next time you thumb your pointy little nose at Bill Belichick for his spying habits, try to remember that you aren't so perfect either. And trust me, I know. I've seen what you eat for dinner, and what you Google-search for when your wife goes to her PTO meetings. You're not the only one familiar with Barnyard Tarts.

Now, why don't you push away your righteous irascibility, get up out of that chair and get into something a little more comfortable? I'd suggest that bathrobe that's hanging on that hook by your closet. The white one. No, no. Don't tie the front of it.

There. That's all I needed.