Ladies, rejoice

DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

Like the late, great Phoenix, I have risen from my own sexy, fiery ashes to bring you the best of DeJuan Charles Xavier C3P0, returning to Flotsam after a damn long hiatus. Man, it gets hella boring when there ain’t no writing. You think I have a day job, bitches? Dog, I tried to do the crossing guard thing, and I ain’t cut out for that shit. Kids make me feel like there spiders be trying to crawl out of my eyes. I have to wear sunglasses all the time.

But no more sitting around playing solitary Uno, my children, because DeJuan is back. Beardy Marv called me late last night to break the big news, and even though that cat does a lot more heavy breathing than he does talking, I was jumping for joy. Truth is, DeJuan is the flyest writer that hobo has. Investigative journalism and shit. I’m like the prince of that stuff. I am even wearing a crown to celebrate. It is sparkly and made with paper mache. That shit is hard to find.

But here’s the bad news, y’all … I don’t know shit about what’s going on in sports. I mean, I tried to keep up after Flotsam went in the shitter back in the day, hoping Marv would just man up and come out of that coma. But dog, that was a lot of paying attention for no real reason. So I cashed out. And this week was especially bad, cuz it was network premiere week. The debut of Bionic Woman, y’all! I cannot make that shit up. That was hella tight. Already on my TiVo for the rest of the season.

And dude, I know how to use Googles, and there ain’t nothing going on in sports. The Yankees and the Red Sox made the playoffs for like the seventh year in a row, my twin sister Steven Jackson is passed out on a couch somewhere, and the NHL is finally underway after all that lockout shit. And I thought Flotsam took forever to get back in the flow.

Speak to me, my puppies. Tell me what you want DeJuan to rap at you about, and I will make it the fliyest commentary you have ever endured. I’m the prince of that shit, you know. Send the C3P0 where your heart desires. You want it!