The world is my potty

By Dakota Brezinski
Six-year-old

I love ponies! They're pretty and soft. Daddy likes to play the ponies, which must be hard, because in a game against ponies, I think the ponies would win. They're bigger than daddy. Daddy is sort of scrawny. Mommy calls him her little stringbean.

Ponies! I like watching them run fast at the Kentucky Derby each year, because each horsie gets a lot of attention, and flowers, and probably candy if they do well. In fact, I think I want to be a horsie. There are so many cool things about horsies, like how they get to take naps all the time and eat all the time and pee whenever they want.

Last year, daddy took me to see the horsies my uncle has in Virginia, because he said my uncle is a rich son of a bitch. I saw one of his horsies pee, and they took so long! It was three minutes and it came out so fast, like out of the shower. How does he have so much pee? How does he pee so fast?

If I was a horsie, I wouldn't save so much and just pee all the time, slowly and little by little. If you're naked and nobody cares if you go number one on their lawn, then why would you hold it in? The world is your potty.

Also, the horsie got to eat a lot, and everyone petted it and called it a good boy. I bet that feels good. Daddy only calls me good boy when I promise not to tell mommy about his special movies. And then they get to run around! I want to run around, and then get petted. I don't want all those baths, though. I hate baths.

Plus, all the horsies have funny names like "Steppenwolfer" and "Sinister Minister" and "Lawyer Ron." From now on, I will only answer to people if they call me "Storm Treasure." I sound like a superhero! And I'm fast and have 100 to 1 odds of winning the Kentucky Derby. I have more odds than anyone else!

Another good name is the name that the most famous horse has, "Secret Harriet." It makes me think of Harriet the Spy. It also makes me think of Harriet Schneider, who moved away, becuase we had a secret cross our heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. I promised not to tell anyone. It has something to do with the missing goldfish in Mrs. Burton's classroom. And a dust buster.

It is time for Storm Treasure to pee. Anywhere in my house should be good. Ponies!