Old Murph's mock NFL draft

By Murphy Kramer
Punters win championships

Coach Murphy Kramer is the head football coach at Plano Horizons High School in Plano, Ohio. His Fighting Broncos have a 16-68 mark in his nine seasons at the helm, including a 1-8 mark last season

Nothing gets my blood pumping in the morning like the sunrise, a good cup of Folgers coffee, maybe a little hanky panky with the old lady and the NFL Draft. Only once a year does this beautiful creature come into my den, where it consumes me over the next 12 hours of my life (I like the second half of round one as well, but usually I hit the hay before that). Last-second judgments are made that determine many years' worth of success or failure.

Without further ado, I present my scouting reports and mock top 10 for this year's main event.

1. Houston Texans - Reggie Bush, RB, USC
Drawing comparisons to the great running backs of all time, like Sayers, Dickerson and Natrone Means ... can shift on a dime with exceptional foot speed and explosive ability ... capable of kick-returning with the best of them ... experienced endless success with National Championship program ... a better pass receiver than most of his contemporaries, could serve as a wideout with his skills ... high character, got more than half right on the Wunderlich ... shifty, with his feet and with his eyes as he explains how he wasn't involved in this whole house scandal business ... anyone who can generate the headline "Bush facing probe" is OK by me ... a guaranteed superstar if the Texans pass on him, and looking at serviceable success if they take him ... will be filthy rich.

2. New Orleans Saints - D'Brickashaw Ferguson, OT, Virginia
Probably will make Paul Tagliabue giggle with glee when he gets to say "D'Brickashaw" on the podium ... graduated from Virginia in 3 1/2 years, demonstrating his intelligence; athletic, surprisingly strong for his size, will have trouble holding 300 pounds and thus seems grossly undersized for someone in top-five consideration ... will probably be more comfortable around 260 pounds ... the boy doesn't eat three meals a day at Wendy's like most offensive linemen, cut him some goddamned slack ... God I could go for a Frostee.

3. Tennessee Titans - Matt Leinart, QB, USC
Beautiful system quarterback with a great smile, good arm and mechanics ... probably bisexual, not that I'd mind, I'd do him ... fantastic ability to see the open field ... intelligent with 35 on Wunderlich ... Wunderlich indeed ... questions about his ability to handle pressure and his accuracy for a quarterback without immense velocity on delivery ... gets more tail than a confident squirrel at an acorn convention.

4, New York Jets - Mario Williams, DE, NC State
Jets will be looking for franchise-defining player that will build prominence for a new regime ... may thus trade up to obtain Leinart and aid in treacherous quarterback situation ... Williams a superior pass rusher with sundry moves for someone at the college level ... not as explosive as a current Pro Bowlers such as Dwight Freeney but still very capable ... questions about his desire and occasional knack for taking plays off ... shares a name with video game icon ... no relation.

5. Green Bay Packers - A.J. Hawk, LB, Ohio State
If he cut his long hair, he wouldn't look like such a Faggity-Andy ... great skills across the board without weaknesses, though no one area of sheer dominance ... consistent player who accelerates well ... possible questions about play strength ... Isn't he dating some really hot chick? ... Packers, looking for someone who can be a greater distraction than Brett Favre, may choose Vince Young instead ... Packers have had success with OSU linebackers, most recently Na'il Diggs ... One gets the feeling Hawk would fit in just fine with the Wisconsinites and their beer.

6. San Francisco 49ers - Michael Huff, CB, Texas
Hardly anyone threw his direction in college, so his pass defending abilities are judged on limited evidence ... average tackling ability and instincts, but a versatile competitor who can play both safety spots ... will see a lot of action on the field along with rest of defense while Alex White examines cloud patterns from his backside in stadiums across the country ... Haha, the 49ers suck.

7. Oakland Raiders - Vince Young, QB, Texas
Built well at 6-4, 228 and yet the fastest quarterback in the draft class by far ... two-time Rose Bowl MVP who has succeeded on a high level with amazing individual effort ... dad in prison, which screams volumes about his potential character ... scouts worry about his ability to manage a complex offense, because the dude is an idiot ... Oakland owner Al Davis, who lost his mind in 1996 and has remained clinically insane ever since, is said to be enamored with Young, probably because neither one of them can read.

8. Buffalo Bills - Haloti Ngata, DT, Oregon
Big bad Samoan dude looks fierce in his headshot ... early entry who has vast ability to chase down ball-carriers from sideline to sideline ... scouts worry about his consistency and ability to get into shape ... suffers from mental lapses and loses focus despite immense physical talent ... is named "Haloti," which sounds like a Native American princess ... incredibly strong, just like every other college-level defensive lineman.

9. Detroit Lions - Pass.
Matt Millen, stuck in the can with diarrhea thanks to some bad pre-draft nachos, will be unavailable to select in the alotted time.

10. Arizona Cardinals - Jay Cutler, QB, Vanderbilt
Played for one of the shittiest teams in America and still managed to get four wins out of his senior season ... great athlete with a strong arm, though technique needs work ... lacks dreaminess of Matt Leinart ... a combine talent who had little fanfare until post-season workouts ... intelligent and capable of taking over games ... will have good wideouts to work with in Arizona, and club may choose to select tight end Vernon Davis to continue establishing an unstoppable passing game ... Arizona will suck until the end of time no matter what.