Point-Counterpoint-Point: Who is the best Paul?

Chris Paul

I am the best Paul, clearly. I'm only 22 years old, and I'm on pace to have a historic season. No player in NBA history has ever averaged 20 points, 10 assists and 3 steals per game.

Well guess what? I am on pace to do that.

I have had a fast start to my career. I was drafted third in the 2005 NBA Draft, behind Andrew Bogut and Marvin Williams. Oops -- Milwaukee and Atlanta -- you screwed up. Last year, in my second NBA season, I averaged 17 points and nine assists. And this year, I'm even better.

You probably don't hear too much about me, because I play for the Hornets and we have the lowest attendance in the NBA, despite a 23-12 record and several good young players. And we also have, you know, the presence of me, one of the best players in the NBA.

I'm lightning quick, I make everyone around me better, I'm a good shooter and I create havoc in the passing lanes on the defensive end. On top of it all, I am also the No. 1-ranked fantasy player in Yahoo Sports. I rarely make stupid turnovers. I'm what you could call a "heady" player. I am physically attractive.

Did I mention that I'm only 22 years old?

And did you know I'm a versatile two-sport athlete? In addition to my success on the basketball court, I'm successful on the other kind of hardwood -- the bowling alley. Yup, that's right. An NBA superstar who once bowled a 256.

So if you get a chance, check me out on the court. I think you'll be impressed, no matter where the Hornets are moved to, whether that is Oklahoma City, Kansas City, San Francisco or Arvada, Colorado.

Les Paul

I don't think this debate should really be that hard. I have been around for more than 60 years, bringing joy to musical venues around the world. I have beautiful curves and a wide variety of shiny, bold finishes that will catch even the most discerning eye.

And my tone. Oh, my lush, rich tone. Whether you need me to play smooth jazz motifs, soaring solos or chunky, palm-muted power chords that will remove your face from your skull, I can do it. I can do it all.

I have been favored by Slash, Ace Frehley, Duane Allman, Jeff Beck, Jimmy Page and Zakk Wylde. Those are some illustrious groovers, wailers and shredders. And I was their vehicle.

I was chosen as the model guitar for Guitar Hero 3. You don't see a Fender Telecaster chosen for an honor like that. Nope -- they go with the best guitar in the history of musical instruments. Of course, guitars haven't been around all that long, but if Mozart had played electric guitar, he probably would have opted for a 1959 Cherry Sunburst Standard Model.

Combine me with a Marshall ten-stack and you get the most sexy, decadent tone imaginable. See my body gently hugging the waist of a band's sweaty frontman, and you'll feel a little movement inside your tattered jeans. Smell my hand-crafted maple and you'll probably collapse from sensory overload.

Damn. I am hot. Strap your hands around my flaming fretboard and stroke away.

That sounded kinda weird. But I am still the best.

Ron Paul

Shut up, all of you pinko commie faggots. Go back in the closet and burn in hell. I am the best Paul and if you don't believe me, I will shoot you (or a Jew) with one of my 19 firearms.