Monday Morning Second-String H-Back Used in Third-and-Long Passing Situations

Marv Blackstone
Editor-in-chief

Given my long, quasi-illustrious background in sportswriting (to recap: degree from Columbia J-school; 40-plus years of experience writing about sports; the opportunity to work at, and be fired from, six of the 10 largest newspapers in America), I know good sportswriting when I see it. And I know bad sportswriting when I see it. And then I know Peter King when I see it.

It looks like a saber-toothed fat guy with bad hair and coffee-stained teeth, squeezing into clothes that his 235-pound wife bought for him at a Dillard's outlet mall. It smells like pastrami.

This week, I've decided to use my editorial background to re-edit and trim down Peter King's MMQ column. His columns usually run about 18,572 words and look like they've been put together by a sixth-grade student who just learned how to outline, so I thought I'd save you the time and highlight the important stuff.

Enjoy the extra 15 minutes of your life.

Name dropping, Week 16
"I spoke with Parcells twice about this on Sunday ..."

"After that 2002 Super Bowl game, I told Belichick at the Patriots' team party ..."

"A prominent GM told me the other day that college athletic directors are often concerned ..."

"A few minutes later, Parcells called back."

"My first question to Fred Taylor postgame ..."

"Interesting comment from a prominent league official last Friday ..."

"Cleveland linebacker Willie McGinest, who told me Sunday night ..."

Definitive decision of the week
"The NFL rule is that if a front-office man does not have control over the draft and free agency, and he is being offered a job with that final football authority, then his team would be obligated to allow him to interview if permission were requested.

Will that apply in Miami? Maybe."

Exclamation that probably didn't make Fred Taylor feel better
"Couldn't have said it better, Fred! In fact, down in Ten Things, you'll get a much longer take on how fans, players and coaches should vote for the Pro Bowl."

Enjoyable poorly-constructed sentence of the week
"12. Seattle (10-5). A bit of a surging ground game against the Ravens: 34 carries, 148 yards."

So what are you waiting for, Peter?
"Someday we'll give Vanden Bosch the credit he deserves for being one of the top five defensive ends in football."

Do you know Cam Cameron?
"But if I know Cameron, he'll make lemonade out of the lemons he's been handed. Talk about a power-of-positive-thinking guy."

How about, "Peter King doesn't talk about himself for an entire column?
"'Todd Collins Leads Redskins To Brink of Playoffs.' Can't think of a more unlikely newspaper headline in 2007."

Correctly identifying what sport I write about for a living
"Packers 12-3, Bears 6-9. Pack 0-2 versus Bears. Go figure. That's football."

Glove tackiness note of the week
"What a TD catch by T.J. Houshmandzadeh in the second quarter against Cleveland. The ball went through his hands, and he caught the end of the ball, probably helped by the tackiness of the gloves."

Pointless, narcissistic story of the week
"The blessing of all blessings: My biggest road trip in the last seven days was a 40-minute train trip, which was on time in both directions, to HBO last Wednesday. Every air traveler I've encountered in the past few days has some tale of holiday woe to tell. That's one great thing about being off the road most weekends this season."

I like coffee more than you
"Very inside version of Coffeenerdness: Judy Schenk, be prepared to meet Andrew Perloff this morning. Judy runs The Barge, the campus coffeehouse at Colgate University in Hamilton, N.Y., which also employs Mary Beth King. Andrew edits pro football at SI.com, and he is spending Christmas with family in Hamilton and staying at the Colgate Inn, a few storefronts down the street from The Barge. This morning, Judy, be on notice that Andrew plans to come in for some Christmas Eve coffee."

Thanks for the Christmas present, Peter
"The merriest of Christmases to you who celebrate tomorrow, and the happiest of holiday seasons to all. In honor of the day, I hope you don't mind me skipping my Tuesday column this week."