Christmas at Burt's house

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

This was probably the worst Christmas I've ever had.

First of all, my stupid sister Wendy wanted me to play Santa Claus for her six-year-old boy, which was STUPID -- do I look fat to you? It meant I had to go over there during what was supposed to be my pregame routine for the CAVS-HEAT showdown featuring KING OF ALL THE WORLD LeBron James (I am a WITNESS) and D-Wade of the high-flying Miami Heat. Ddddddddd-Wade. That's like a drumroll.

Anyway, I told little Timmy that there was no real Santa. That solved that problem, but I still had an awful day when I opened up my first gift. I told my wife very specifically that I wanted a Clemens jersey. She was like, "who does he play for?" and I practically PASSED OUT. HELLO, ANGIE, HE PLAYS FOR NEW YORK, I said.

But when I open up the box, it was a KELLEN Clemens jersey, from the New York Jets. I about lost it. I'm only trying to support the greatest pitcher in Major League Baseball history and she gets me the backup quarterback for the Jets? WHAT A HORRIBLE CHRISTMAS.

I wanted to show my support for Roger, since all the haters in the world think he's on steroids. What a crock! Roger is a natural born hero, and he's INNOCENT! He's INNOCENT! That's like a Snoop Dog Doggy song! I'm gonna stand by my man until he's proven guilty, and since this is America, that's not going to happen until he's proven guilty! Besides, if he really did what all those people in the Mitchell Report said he did, there would be little red marks all over his butt. Until someone can show me that evidence, I'll never believe he did anything wrong.

I really wanted tickets to see the last Patriots game of the year, but my stupid brother said they were too expensive. DAMMIT, THIS IS CHRISTMAS, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO ALL OUT. I told him I didn't want them unless they were undefeated, and my brother said he didn't know that until two days before Christmas, and then the price went through the roof or something. I think he's lying.

So now I have to sit at home and wait for the Patriots to play on my television and hopefully fulfill a dream I've been thinking about since I was a little boy. UNDEFEATED IN FOXBORO! That's a great slogan, if somebody wants to buy it from me, haha! I don't see how they can't go undefeated. They're amazing! TOM BRADY (MVP! MVP!) and Randy Moss and Wes Welker! Have you ever seen a white person that good? He's the 1997 Michael Jordan of white receivers. He might be BETTER than Jordan!

Oh my god, what if Belichick rests their starters and they lose? TO LITTLE ELI. That would be embarrassing, and I'd DEFINITELY call for Belichick to be fired. I can't believe anyone would even think of something like that.

Almost there! Hope your Christmas didn't suck like mine!