Whose No-Hitter is Awesomer?

By Jim Abbott
One-Armed Man

On September 4, 1993, I had one arm.

But that didn’t stop me from no-hitting the Cleveland Indians while wearing the New York Yankees pinstripes. You have to admit, that’s pretty impressive. I had ONE ARM and still worked nine innings without allowing a hit.

Jon Lester has a great story, don’t get me wrong. The dude overcomes cancer to throw a no-hitter for the Red Sox, and good for him. Nice kid, etc. But they have relays and benefits and galas and all kinds of stuff to raise money for cancer. You don’t see anybody raising money for kids with stubby arms. Hell, George Steinbrenner actually said it was an unnecessary distraction in 1993 when I was visiting disabled kids in the hospital!

So no offense to Jon Lester, but my no-hitter was way cooler. Way more interesting. I HAVE ONE ARM! I’d shake hands with you, but I can’t. Doesn’t mean you can hit my curveball.

Somewhere along the way, the world stopped caring about the New York Yankees. It used to be that they got all the coverage, but now it’s all about the Boston Red Sox. So when Lester does his thing, ESPN can’t stop talking about it. How many times have you see Jacoby Ellsbury make the diving catch, or Alberto Callaspo strike out to end the game, and it has barely been 24 hours?

Who is Alberto Callaspo anyway? These are the Royals. When I threw my no-hitter, I dominated guys like Kenny Lofton, Carlos Baerga, Albert Belle, Manny Ramirez, Jim Thome and Sandy Alomar, Jr. And Felix Fermin.

I HAVE ONE ARM!

By Dwight Gooden
Doc Feel Good

On May 14, 1996, I wasn’t exactly in my heyday. I did most of my damage before I turned 21 years old, in fact, accumulating something like 1,000 strikeouts before I could legally (tee-hee) drink. Look at my numbers in 1985, when I had 24 wins, 268 strikeouts and a 1.53 ERA. Hello, those numbers are insane! It was shortly after that when I also went insane. Thanks to cocaine.

Eric Clapton said it best when ne noted that cocaine, she don’t lie, and she sure as hell didn’t want me to keep playing baseball. I was spending time with my favorite lady when I missed the Mets’ World Series victory parade in 1986. Relationships are hard, man, and sometimes you gotta make sacrifices. I’d say I sacrificed a lot to be with coca cola.

I almost got my ass released in April of 1996 because I was pitching so badly in one of my comeback attempts, but then I no-hit the Seattle Mariners at Yankee Stadium. I sure as hell hadn’t thrown a no-hitter when I was young and awesome, but here I was – an old man who just wanted a hit, and yet threw nine innings without a single one. That’s legendary stuff, folks. Way better than Jon Lester’s story.

Since Lester pitches for the Red Sox, ESPN is behaving like he just saved the world or something. I know he had cancer and all, but they’ve got incredible medicine for that sort of thing. For me, the medicine WAS the issue. It’s hard to overcome your problems that way.

I wish ESPN paid more attention to other teams in baseball – like the Yankees.

By Nolan Ryan
Owns Robin Ventura

I threw seven.