Who needs Goliath?

DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

Bitches, I was on the edge of my damn seat Wednesday night watching the elimination episode of American Idol. Dog, I love me some Syesha Mercado, but I would be damn pissy if my boys the Davids -- David Archuleta and David Cook -- did not make the big finale next week. They couldn't be more different dudes -- the Disney-loving 17-year-old shrimp cocktail (non-alcoholic of course -- boy won't be hitting the sauce for another four years) and the seasoned bartending rock dude. It's the clash of the damn titans! We're all gonna die!

So who is America's favorite David? There are so many other Davids who deserve consideration for that shit.

1. David Beckham. Y'all, he plays some game that nobody gives two shits about, but can you imagine how many times he has heard that shitty Spice Girls song "Spice Up Your Life?" That's hardcore, bitches. Can't believe he hasn't killed a man yet.

2. David Ortiz. Big Papi! According to my massive research, that's French for "Large Patriarch."

3. Dave Winfield. Remember the good old days of baseball, when all the best dudes were skinny? Man, what did they eat for breakfast before protein milkshakes got invented?

4. David Padgett. Well what do you want from me? I scanned all the Greatest Damn Athlete lists I could find, and there just aren't that many athletic famous Daves out there. For some reason, I just got hungry for barbecue.

5. David. Dog, put on some damn clothes! Yo, any dudes out there interested in feeling better about themeselves? This David is considered a work of art, and he ain't exactly Santonio Holmes.

Honorable mention: David Chappelle (funny as shit!), David Letterman (not funny as shit), Davy Crockett (furry damn hat), David Wright (good at baseball, probably should be up there instead of Padgett), Dave Roberts (fast and old).