Let the Madden Curse reign supreme

Pigskinius
Football God

I am Pigskinius, Football God! Ye shall feel my wrath!

For years, one of my duties has been to properly administer punishment against horrendous football commentator John Madden by smiting he who is bestowed with cover honors on the annual Madden video game. I have fulfilled my duties with precision and great success. But now! Now comes an attempt to thwart my authority. And I am angry.

This year, the creators of the video game have adorned Brett Favre on the cover, even though Favre recently proclaimed his intent to retire. How can I ensure the Madden Curse if the man has already promised to never play again? It's a conundrum that defies the Cosmos, and for this, there will be consequences.

The world is not in balance as long as John Madden is allowed to speak into a microphone, where he insults the game of football with exasperated expressions and meaningless mumbo jumbo. The Football Gods are most displeased that he is allowed to desecrate our favorite game.

The subversion shown by the video game community will not be tolerated. Each year, I expect a sacrifice to be made on the Madden cover, but this year is a significant skimming of penance. And so my vengeful wrath shall be felt in totality.

You do not want to isolate a single player to feel the Madden Curse? Then I shall find a way to bring suffering to each of the league's 25 best players, as I deem them to be. Pay heed, league executives, for you will need to address your future needs in this weekend's NFL draft. The following players will be stricken with season-damaging ailments:

LaDainian Tomlinson (broken ankle), Petyon Manning (concussion), Champ Bailey (broken fibula), Ed Reed (pulled hamstring), Shawne Merriman (drug suspension), Brian Urlacher (wounded in Lance Briggs dragracing fundraiser), Antonio Gates (stabbed by Philip Rivers), Troy Polamalu (hair fracture), Julius Peppers (achy back), Tom Brady (remarkably persistent case of syphilis), Jason Taylor (teninitis caused by dancing), Walter Jones (ACL), Larry Fitzgerald (broken kneecap suffered in attack by Anquan Boldin), Orlando Pace (foot fracture), Osi Umenyiora (torn knee cartilage), Carson Palmer (Chad Johnson), Reggie Wayne (broken hand), Brian Westbrook (broken ankle), Terrell Owens (head explosion), Kevin Williams (broken arm), Patrick Kerney (fractured sternum), Mike Vrabel (ingrown toenail), Randy Moss (arrested for murder), Reggie Bush (broken ribs suffered during hit by Mario Williams) and Steven Jackson (playing for Rams).

You will learn from your misdeeds. I am Pigskinius!