Fuck this. I'm eating a cheeseburger.

By Prince Fielder
Hungry

All right, fine. I get it. Being a vegetarian was a bad idea.

I remember last year, when I'd fly-out to the warning track, I'd come back to the dugout and my teammates would say, "Should have had one more hot dog before the game, Prince." And we'd all laugh. And then I'd eat a hot dog and hit a homer in my next at-bat.

Now, when I hit it to the warning track and just miss a home run, there is awkward silence when I return to the dugout.

I don't blame my teammates. What are they supposed to say? "Should have had another scoop of hummus, Prince"? Or, "Well, chew on a few more spinach leaves next time, buddy"?

Fuck this. I'm eating a cheeseburger.

That's right. After I finish writing this article, I'm going down to Sobelman's and I'm going to have a big-ass double cheeseburger with a side of buffalo wings. I might even have some chicken strips, too, if I have time.

Then, on my way to the ballpark, I'm going to stop by the drive-through at Culver's and grab a butterburger to tide me over until after the game. I bet I rock the party to the tune of 3-for-4 with two homers and a greasy gapper double.

After the game, I'll probably make a quick stop at Fuddrucker's for a breaded tenderloin and a tall glass of Miller Lite.

No more lazy fly balls to the outfield, or weak grounders to second base. The Prince is coming back. No more popping up hanging curveballs. No more taking shit from Gabe Kapler because he has four times as many home runs as I do. I'll just be like, "Hey Gabe, remember that time you did this?"



Then I'll eat a 20-pack of chicken nuggets from Mickey D's.

Aw yeah, the Prince is coming back. Look out National League, because I'm full of protein, and I'm coming after you.