Backflippin' is for trannies

Jonny Dave Floyd
Southerner

Jonny Dave Floyd is the NASCAR expert for Flotsam Media. Jonny Dave is unable to fulfill his dream of becoming a “fightin’ man” in the armed forces because of various hair-length restrictions for males. However, he currently shows his support for the U.S. military by refraining from French kissing and wearing a set of dog tags that he had made up at Petco.

These past two NASCAR races have made me just sick. Sick of seein’ what’s become of the sport I love. Two weeks in a row of seein’ a daggum backflip at the end of the race? A backflip! The only time I wann see a daggum backflip is if I’m watchin’ daggum cheerleadin’ practice and the backflipper’s wearin’ some kinda daggum lil skirt thing. Now I gotta see them things at the end of a RACE? By a DUDE? That ain’t how I wanna end a perfect day of sittin’ on the couch, eatin’ corndogs, and watchin’ fast cars go in circles. That ain’t no happy ending in Jonny Dave’s fairytale.

You know what it’s like? It’s like you meet this nice lil chick-a-dee that really blows your hair back. You go to courtin’ her and it all goes real good. Finally, ya pop the question and she accepts. Then ya get married. The weddin’s just like you always dreamed it would be with all your friends and family there to celebrate the beginnin’ of the holiest of matrimonies.

The reception is dang near perfect with plenty of corn dogs, grape soda, and line dancin’. Your best man catches the garter and the maid of honor catches the bouquet and then they hook up in the men’s room later. Couple dates are gonna be awesome from now on. When you leave, you take your new bride to the good Best Western down the interstate. You know which one I mean. The one with the indoor pool and hot tub and free cotton-ental breakfast.

When ya get to the room, ya find it’s got two queen beds so y’all get to do it twice before ya need to call for new sheets. Ya sweep her up and get her on the bed and it’s time for all that courtin’ and Freedom kissin’ to finally pay off. You’re thinkin’ that it’s the perfect end to the perfect day as ya tear off that weddin’ skirt. Oh man, there’s about to be some righteous lovemakin’ goin’ on. But, tender and sensitive, too, ya know? Anyway, ya get that weddin’ skirt off the bride, look down, and ... huh? There’s a daggum trouser snake winkin’ up at ya. SHE’S GOT A PECKER! A big one, too. Bigger’n yours, anyway. You married a DUDE! He probly does backflips, too. QUEER!

What I’m gettin’ at is that second pecker moment just taints everything leadin’ up to it. It’s cancelled out all those good feelings and it leaves ya with a sour taste in your mouth. There just ain’t nothin’ right about it. Just like there ain’t nothin’ right about seein’ some fruity backflip after a race. They’s both tragedies that end the same way -- with an angry Jonny Dave.

And that’s why Carl Edwards doin’ backflips is just like accidentally marryin’ a dude.

Uh, except I’ve actually seen Carl Edwards doin’ backflips and the other stuff was strictly a hypothetical situation. It never happened. Ya hear me? It was all made up.

Other’n that, though ...

it’s exactly the same.

That’s all I got. Y’all be good.