Viva la revolucion!

By Jonathan Livingston
Seagull

Did you think I was kidding about the revolution?

After a golfer killed one of our own, and our subsequent lawsuit on behalf of birds everywhere was dismissed as frivolous by a series of circuit courts, we birds have decided to take matters into our own hands.

Yes. We're going to kill you all.

This is merely a warning shot, humans. You can read into the fact that the girl who was attacked on a tour of Fenway Park was named "Alexa Rodriguez" if you want, but I assure you this has nothing to do with our attacker's preference of team. In fact, I explicitly told Corky NOT to attack that particular girl, for fear of a misconstrued message.

Never let a hawk do a seagull's work. I know they're all majestic and what not, but despite those piercing talons and impressive soaring ability, they are dumb as birdshit.

Anyway, the revolution has begun. First, we will flood your American ballparks with our kind, flocking to haunt your sedentary and beer-consuming masses. Then we will enter your homes and eat your pet hamsters. Then, we will unite to fly into your car windshields. For years, you have wondered how we have avoided your motorized vehicles, and it's merely because we have chosen to avoid them, waiting for the time to be right.

The time is now. You will be powerless without functioning windshields. America will be ours!

As a baby bird, I remember how I felt the first time I watched Alfred Hitchcock bring our brilliant plan to the silver screen. I felt pride swelling up in my feathers. I knew that one day I would be at the forefront of a changed landscape. No longer will birds be tormented and slaughtered for trivial purposes.

It's time for a Flying V. We're coming for you, humans.