I'm so proud of my son

By Lynn DeBerg
Housewife

Hi there, this is Lynn DeBerg calling, and I was wondering what your policy is on getting submitted pictures into the paper?

The reason I ask is because my son, Connor, recently took third place in a karate competition up in Cleveland, and we took a picture of him with his trophy and his outfit. It's such a cute outfit, and I just think it would be a great picture. I think a lot of people would buy newspapers if they saw that picture in the sports section.

What's that? Oh, I know there are lots of other sports going on during the course of the day, but I'm not asking for a front page spot or anything. Connor just worked so hard and he had the biggest smile on his face when he took third, and I thought it would be great for him, and for kids like him.

I kind of typed up a little press release to go with it, if you want that. I can e-mail you the picture, or I can send it in the mail. What's easier? Now when is it going to run, exactly? Well, I just want to be able to tell Connor when he can expect to see himself in the paper, and also all his friends and teachers. How about tomorrow? I don't understand why you can't get it in tomorrow. There really isn't that much going on -- I checked the local schedules.

Look, I think tomorrow has to be the day. It's kind of timely since it just happened this weekend. I know you have other pictures you want to get in, but did they feature accomplishments like this one? A lot of those team photos get in for basketball or soccer teams or something like that, and kids get in the paper who ride the bench or don't do a whole lot. But my Connor put in all the work himself and trained under a professional for six weeks at a camp in Akron. I really just think he needs to be recognized. I noticed you put in bowling scores and a feature story about some old guy who used to run the local baseball team -- I really think this photo should get preference over stuff like that.

I'm sorry, but do I need to talk to your boss? I swear to God, I'll cancel my subscription if my son's picture isn't in the goddamned paper tomorrow. All you people care about are the big-name teams in the area -- what about the readers and the things they're interested in? I suppose you don't give a damn about those people. I suppose we don't even matter.

I haven't asked for ONE SHRED of coverage all year, just that you please put Connor's picture in the paper, and you won't even do that for me. I want you to transfer me to your boss or the subscription ladies, so I can cancel. My son deserves recognition! You have no idea how hard he worked and how much driving is involved carrying him to these camps and competitions. I'm never reading your fucking paper again.

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