People I've Impersonated

DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

Dog, there is some funny funny shit coming out of the world of soccer, probably the most entertaining story about soccer ever. I've seen soccer games, my bitches, and it's like watching body paint dry. An entire sport dedicated to foreplay and no scoring. Shit dog, I've read "No Exit" by Jean-Paul Sartre. I know what hell looks like.

Anyway, some Italian cat claimed he was Nicolas Cage, and the Real Madrid soccer team fed him a nice meal and was like, "damn, that's Nic Cage!" even though the guy had an accent. Seriously, couldn't you figure that shit out? Didn't you make him say "Carla WAS the prom queen" and giggle, cuz The Rock is the bad-assest movie of our generation?

Stupid soccer players.

But it reminds me of the many times I have impersonated someone famous to gain entry to a club, restaurant or amusement park. Don't pretend like you ain't done it! Dog, the world is damn expensive, and you have to take every advantage you can get.

My three favorite instances:

1. In 2003, some fine kitty in Miami thought I was Ricky Williams and ushered me to this bitchin gala for High Times Magazine in a downtown high rise. Dog that was fun, even if the details are foggy. Problem was when they started asking me to wear a wedding dress for some photo shoot. Dog, it don't matter what I'm smoking, I ain't wearing no dress. I got my pride.

2. Spring training 2004, I told the Los Angeles Dodgers I was Guillermo Mota, started speaking pretend Spanish and throwing gas in some split squad games. Dog, the commercials tell you Visa is everywhere you want to be, but apparently they don't count the Dominican Republic, cuz Mota was hella late and the Dodgers needed a middle reliever. I probably shouldn't have started spreading a rumor that I got down with Paul DePodesta's wife, cuz that little nerdy man never forgot it. The real Mota showed up before the regular season, but his ass got traded to Florida before the deadline.

3. I got myself a VIP club pass in Beijing one summer after I told the bouncer that I am the glorious Orlando Bloom. Shit I was the life of the party, until someone who actually had seen Lord of the Rings said I wasn't no Orlando Bloom, that O-Bloom is a white guy with pointy ears. Do I look like the nerdboy who watches that shit? Dude has a black first name -- Orlando Jones, anyone? Orlando Cepeda? I wound up getting kicked out. Gotta bring my pointy ears next time.